By Lisa Kettler
What comes to mind for you when you say the words “self compassion” to yourself? Did saying those words evoke a positive, neutral or negative response for you? Some of you might have noticed a feeling of warmth or relief at the idea of offering yourself compassion, or may already have an active self compassion practice. Others may have experienced curiosity or interest about a new idea. Some people will likely have noticed a feeling of wariness, maybe a dismissive (cue the eye roll) “whatever” response. And for some people the idea of self compassion may have evoked an “ick” factor or even an outright rejection.
Perhaps just take a moment to notice where your response to this idea comes from. Is it a response coming from your personal or family history? Perhaps a response that feels part of the culture or environment you were raised in? Is it something else you notice? If your response to the idea was a negative one, is that a belief you want to continue to hold? If yes, why do you think that might be?
The idea of self compassion is fundamentally a simple one, fleshed out in detail by Dr Kristen Neff in her book “Self-Compassion - the proven power of being kind to yourself.” It is predicated on the idea that just by virtue of being a member of the human race, you are worthy of compassion during times of suffering. Compassion is considered to be a basic human right, afforded to us all. You don’t have to do or be anything special in order to deserve this and in fact it is because you are just as messily human and flawed in your own unique ways as any other person that you are worthy of experiencing compassion. Perhaps just take a moment to let that land with you…….
To be human is to experience difficult events and emotions and yet many of us routinely exclude ourselves from the circle of those we offer compassion to when these things occur, either through benign neglect, or perhaps views that offering compassion to ourselves is weak, lazy, self indulgent or selfish. Moreover, not only may we fail to offer ourselves the same compassion we might offer to a friend, loved one or colleague in a time of suffering, but we take it a step further and engage in some pretty harsh self-criticism in response to our own failings and our own suffering. Many of us are much more harsh towards ourselves than we would be to even a person we don’t like!
If the idea of self compassion still feels uncomfortable or you still have “but what about…” questions, the following may be of interest. The research in the area of self compassion is compelling: individuals who are self compassionate are in fact more likely to be caring and compassionate towards others, to cope better with adversity, are more likely to engage in realistic perspective taking and more likely to take greater personal responsibility for their actions. They are also more likely to persist after failure.
Interested to learn more and access some free resources? You might like to start here: https://self-compassion.org/
Keen to dive in further and more personally? You may be interested to get a taste of these practices at one of our retreats (feel free to contact me for more information) or to register your interest for our 8 week Mindful Self Compassion course. We’d love to see you there!
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